It must be something about a new year...

The blog idea keeps getting put on the back-burner as I spend most of my time with my head in the books.

I'm coming to the end of my 4th study period and am gearing up for a physiology exam in a couple of weeks time. Let's just say spending 7 weeks of a 13 week study period as school holidays with Christmas thrown in has not been the most fun ride I've ever been on.

But you gotta do what you gotta do.

I'm going to take some time to plan actual posts here on the blog. Once a month should be a decent place to start, don't you think?

Otherwise, I'm always chatting on Instagram or Facebook, and sometimes Twitter. But I think I might blog a bit more about this whole nutrition thing that my life is entrenched in these days :)

It's okay to say no.

As the start of my first term approaches, I'm busy going through some Prep units and orientating myself around the online study world. This means allocating time each day to work through some information, watch help videos and chat to other people doing the same thing.

Which is nothing compared to what I'll have to do when I actually start the coursework.

I'm starting slow, with just the one unit - so part-time for the first term so I can find my feet. But then it's full-time pretty much non-stop for the next 3+ years.

That is a fairly daunting prospect.

For those that know me, you'll know that my husband has just completely a dual Masters program. Yep, that's TWO Masters degrees achieved at the same time. So for the last 4 years he's been work + study non-stop. Which means the home duties, school duties, kid stuff, extra-curricular etc, has been all me except when he got rare downtime.

We don't have family help. I was trying to run a business, support my husband, and keep my kids on a fairly even keel without even hiring a cleaner. Of course I could do it all! I mean, that's what I was supposed to do, wasn't it? Anything less was failure. I even felt guilty when the kids went to my parent's place for a week during the school holidays sometimes. Why did I need a break? Surely I could work and have them at home full-time during the holidays?

I consoled myself with the fact that they were building a fantastic grandparent/grandchild relationship and got to spend time with their cousins and create lasting memories.

Well, last year I crashed. And burned. Completely out.

My business was doing really well, but with that came the extra work - paper work, emails, marketing etc on top of the actual physicality of the work (I made crochet hooks with handles for people with disabilities or who just liked pretty things - it was very labour intensive).

My mental and physical health suffered.

And so I decided to shut the business down and focus on getting better and preparing for study this year - something I've been planning for the last 2 years, I just had to wait for my husband to finish first.

The judgement started. The sly digs at why I couldn't 'handle it'.
"Oh, but your business was doing so well!"

When your health suffers, business becomes much less important. I had a family to consider and support.


So this year, when working out my schedule, I sat down and worked out all the things that were important to us. Family time, study time, movement time, extra curricular activities, homework help, so much to cram into a week.

And so I had to say "no" to some things. Some of which I'd been doing for years, but I just can't fit them in any more and remain sane.

And right now and henceforth, my sanity will always come first.


So when someone says "But I work x hours a week and I can still do it" after you had been putting time aside for them every week for 3 years, it freaking hurts.

There is no comparison between my life and someone else's. What I am capable of doing will be completely different to what someone else can fit into their life. And recognising that is the first step in being honest, real and truly gifting yourself a little bit of selfcare.

And realising that their comments say a hell of a lot about them and their perception of your relationship then it does about you.


The next point in my journey is learning to step further out of my comfort zone and pay for help around the house. Getting an actual cleaner. I'm not gonna lie, this one is going to be extremely hard for me. The kids have actually been doing really well with their chores, but there are things they just can't do on top of sporting commitments and homework. And if I am to be able to put aside an appropriate amount of time each week for me to reach my personal study goals, then something has to give.

My husband quite rightly pointed out that for me, "the bare minimum" would never be enough. I will want to tick every box, revise every point... and there's only so many hours in the day.


This weekend will mark my first test. We are leaving the kids with friends for 4 whole nights during a school term so that I can attend my husband's graduation in Melbourne. To say I'm stressed is a major understatement. My son has Coeliac Disease, and while I have great faith in my friends, and have preparations in place, it's still a source of anxiety for me. My mother would have been here in a flash to help (they live interstate), but she needs to work, so our friends stepped up and offered without even batting an eyelid. We owe them big time. Without them, I simply would not be attending the graduation ceremony.


So while I will be learning many new things academically this year, it will also be an extremely large learning curve when it comes to selfcare, balance and boundaries. It's okay to say no if something is going to cause you issues, or if it just can't fit in anymore. There will always be judgement, there will always be comparisons, because that's what happens when you're a mum. I wish it wasn't that way, but it is.

Just remember that if someone has an issue with you stepping back and saying "no", then that's not on you. It has nothing to do with you, it doesn't invalidate your needs.

It says a hell of a lot about them though, so maybe you made the right choice.

Going back to school

This is it. My first university subject in a *cough* very long time, starts in just over a month.

Last time I was young, naive, and fresh from high school with really no idea of where or what I wanted to do other than Criminology (yes, really), sounded extremely appealing.

Fast forward 20-odd years later and here I am. A completely new discipline (science), two kids, a husband, and a whole lot of water under the bridge, with more to come.

How the hell am I supposed to juggle studying to the level I want (thank you to my husband who pointed out that with my personality, "the bare basics" probably won't cut it ;) ), plus all the stuff that comes with two active children with intense personalities, continue with my household responsibilities (hello paying bills, cooking, washing, cleaning etc) and also support and spend time with my husband, and other important people in my life.

Let's just say it's a little overwhelming and slightly terrifying.

I don't like asking for help, I just sort of keep going until I fall down in a great big emotional mess ;)

But I'm going to have to.

I've started with really cracking down on chores for my kids. They are 13 & 9, completely old enough to have specific responsibilities and be expected to do the basics (like make their bed and keep their room tidy).

Next step is a cleaner I suppose. I'm thinking having someone come and mop the floors, clean the bathrooms and maybe a few other things once a week may be a good idea. It's also another incentive for the kids to pick their darn stuff up and put it away properly :p

I need to learn that I can't always 'do it all', and that's ok. This is a phase of life that needs to be passed through in order to come out the other end having achieved my goal which will only benefit myself and my family in the long term.

Focus on the process and not the end result. The whole concept of an entire degree is overwhelming, but I can break it down into Study Periods and go from there. One step at a time.

And get the help when I need it.

A PSA, Facebook Memories, and my little tale of 'what if'.

The Facebook Memories thing is a blessing and a curse sometimes. This current period in time brings back some rough memories but reminders of wonderful blessings.

On Saturday it popped up. "Dave is not well".

And then it dawned on me that's it's the end of the year.

This time 4 years ago my husband was in hospital very, very ill.

A scratch. A small, insignificant, get-one-any-time scratch. On his knee from the trailer while he was renovating and building the house we now live in.

It got seriously infected and he went into septic shock.

I had no freaking idea what was happening. He was sick, shivering, fevers, pain killers weren't working. I was going to wait to take him to the doctor the next day.

I'm glad I didn't.

I rang my brother, who is a GP. I was expecting a "give him this and book him in to see the doc", but I got halfway through describing the symptoms and he told me to run next door, grab the neighbours to look after the kids and high-tail it to the hospital and gave me a list of things to tell the triage nurse.

At the hospital I didn't even get partway through the list before the nurse had someone grab my husband (who was just about to fall over) and rush him straight through. They already had an IV in him and pumping him full of AB's before I even finished filling out the forms.

He was in there for 10 days. The first few were a living nightmare. They couldn't find the right mix of antibiotics, it was getting worse and spreading, he couldn't walk and was in immense pain. They cleared out the ward in case it was infectious and he got his own infectious diseases specialist to look after him. They even had lecturers bringing in phd students to study him lol

My life was get up, get kids to school, go to the hospital. Get instructions on what to do - we were finishing up renovations and preparing to move house. It was nearly Christmas. I had school Christmas plays to attend, the kids had parties, Christmas cards, activities. My husband missed our son's first Christmas Chapel performance. Run around doing errands, throw things in boxes, move them to the new house, pick up kids, go to the hospital and see Daddy, go home, feed them whatever I could manage (there were a lot of ham sandwiches lol), pack some more and then try to sleep.

It well and truly sucked.

But we got through it.

Eventually, the drugs started to work, and things got better.

My brother came to visit towards the end and asked if he could look at the charts.

His initial comment was something along the lines of "F*&%".

My husband had been on the second strongest antibiotics you could get, the kind reserved for tropical infectious diseases. If I had waited until the next day... the best case scenario is he would have lost a limb. I prefer not to think about the worst case.

But our lives changed a bit through that. We see things a little differently now. He still drives me completely up the wall some days, but I'm glad I have him still here.

Not long afterwards, I decided I needed to get fitter. I could barely walk up the stairs without getting winded. I needed to be able to handle whatever life threw at me. And I knew it still had some curveballs up it's sleeve (and still does). If anything were to happen to my husband... well, I'm it. And I will protect those kids and my husband to the end with whatever abilities I have.

But the moral to this story is, don't take things for granted. And don't get stuck in the rut of day-to-day life too much. Do the things that are important to you with those you love. If you like going out and exploring, do that. If you like creating things, do that. Do the most with what you've got NOW while you've still got it. Don't wait for the 'perfect' future. Don't put your life on hold.

And if you get a scratch or cut, for goodness sake, PLEASE, clean it up properly and get it checked if it gets infected.

I don't like doughnuts

There.
I said it.

I don't like doughnuts (or donuts for those not in Australia).

One of the things I have learned over the last little while as I attempted to break free from the diet and restriction mindset is that there are no 'good' or 'bad' foods. Food cannot be given a moral value. It is just food.

There are, however, some foods that can make me feel better than others. And some that make me feel awful. And the most important part of this to note is - these food are all different for everyone.

As with most people getting out of the restriction mentality and giving the diet industry the finger, I went through a period where I ate all the foods. Even the ones that I had previously eaten little of before I even looked at losing weight. I did this because, well, because I could. Obvious food intolerance excluded (because puking is not my idea of a fun time).

But, with time and mental work comes a little clarity of thought. One day it dawned on me. There had been some foods that I used to avoid or only eat occasionally because.... I didn't actually like them.

I know, right?

I don't have to like the same foods that others do! It may seem simple, but I had gone from one extreme to another.

And now, I think, I'm back to a balance - my balance.

So, no, I don't really like doughnuts. They are a bit heavy and sweet for me. But I might have a piece of one occasionally if I feel like it.

Come to mention it, I don't actually like bread all that much either, and I never really have. Nothing to do with carbs or anything, a lot of it just doesn't sit well in my stomach. However, a nice crusty roll made into homemade garlic & herb bread or a warm piece of vegemite toast when I'm feeling a little off colour? I'm totally there.

Pastries are added to the list. And coconut oil, yoghurt and ice-cream - nope, I don't like them. A little desiccated or shredded coconut in a biscuit or slice? I can handle a some of that.

I also can't stand the taste of coriander and I really do think it ruins a dish, sorry! Also a no-go is kale (blergh) and full-cream milk (I drink lactose-free because of my intolerance, but I much prefer the taste of skim and full cream tends to upset my stomach).

So I guess the thing is, it's okay to like different foods and to even dislike foods. So long as the decision to minimise certain foods is based on actual personal preference and tastes and not on some fad diet, good/evil bs.

A healthful diet for one person will not look the same as what is healthful for another. And it's okay to actually not like some foods because you either don't like the taste or the texture or they just don't make you feel good.

That doesn't mean someone else can't eat them.

And it takes time to find your own balance if, like me, you may have fallen down the rabbit hole even just a little.

But when you do find it, your mind and body will thank you.

And someone else can eat the doughnuts.

I'll take the crisps.

A sense of renewal

Over the last 12 months, I've pretty much been in a holding pattern.

Dynamics are changing, bringing added stress. I now have a hormonal teenager, an overly-active tweenager and right at this moment, the husband is on the pointy end of his Masters - less than a month to go before it's all done.

I've spent this last year learning everything I can about self-acceptance, forming a healthy mentality and just learning how to 'be'.

Am I completely there yet? No. I don't think anyone can ever be.

But I'm content.

To the point where I'm ready to start training properly again.

I've still been lifting, but in all  honesty, it was only to maintain my minimum 3x week habit. I haven't really been pushing myself, more like going through the motions so that I can maintain some resemblance of normal as I sort through the crap in my head and the stuff happening around me.

But now I'm ready.

I took some time to research what I wanted to do and have decided on Strong - the latest program from the authors of New Rules of Lifting.

It lists the exercises for me, so I don't have to think, and there's no chance for me to 'take it easy' or avoid particular movements, which I may have a habit of doing when I'm writing my own program ;) And I'm excited to do lots of new things, old things, and just have some fun lifting again.

And my mindset has shifted. I knew I'd put on weight since January. I'd banished the scale to the garage, but yesterday, I stood on it. I wanted the data point.

Yes, I've gained weight. I knew that. My clothes are tight. It was a little more weight than I was expecting because I still fit in my clothes, even if they are snug. And the last time I was this weight, I was a whole size bigger.

There was no emotion in it. It's just a data point. I'd heard my friends talk about this and didn't know if I would ever get there. But apparently I am. I have no 'goal weight', I just want to be a little more comfortable in my clothes. I know I've gained muscle, and I've gained some strength, so things will fit differently anyway. I'm just looking for comfort.

This is a weird place to be in. I know I'm healthy because all my test results are spot on perfect. I know I'm not overweight. I'm just uncomfortable. And I want to be comfortable.

I even took a few full-body pictures (in shorts & a sports bra, no less!!) and I felt... nothing. I didn't feel grossed out or depressed. I just though it is what it is.

They aren't 'before' pictures, they are 'now' pictures. I fully expect my body to change in a whole host of ways over the years. Because that's what bodies do - we are in a constant state of flux, and that's ok. It's normal.

But I feel calm. I feel blessed. I feel content and happy with my decision to move forward into more intense training.

I feel as equipped as I can currently be to provide adequate food for my energy needs and maintain my overall feeling of wellness.

This is simply a whole new phase of life for me. All of a sudden the clouds have parted and I'm like, this is all good. It's okay. Totally a sense of renewal of thought and emotion.

Which is pretty cool.

It's my life

I've been around. Haven't felt much like writing lately, my stress levels and stuff have been off the charts crazy. Mostly due to this weird period of life in which I now find myself. A transition phase, from one part of my life to another.

I'm planning on going back to university next year to do a science degree in nutrition. I've had to wait while the husband finished his double Masters, but he will have that finished by November.

In the meantime, I've been trying to do some free online uni courses to try and get back in the swing of things... well, let me tell you, studying, working, keeping the house relatively tidy and looking after the kids all at the same time is freaking.hard.work. There's not enough hours in the day basically. Very little time to just sit and try to calm myself, so I crashed and burned pretty badly.

And why did no-one tell me that having a teenager + a tween-ager in the house simultaneously was going to be a re-enactment of World War II? Far out, I love them, but they are doing my head in.

A little while ago, in May, I shut down my Etsy store for my handmade business and went completely wholesale only. I'm still getting money coming in, but the workload is a little less (particularly the paperwork).

But the spark is gone. It's turned from a work of love to drudge work - plain and simple.

I've been doing this for nearly 6 years, and I am mentally done. It's time to move on. Time to get on with the next chapter in my life.

So I will close down my little business that has been such a large part of my life at the end of November. And then hopefully just sit back and enjoy the summer Christmas break with the family before I hit the books next year when I should be able to put the majority of my focus onto study. I say majority because, well, I have kids ;)

Am I looking forward to it?  Hell yes.

I love learning new things and I am excited to be able to dive headfirst into something new that will stimulate my brain.

I'm also completely terrified lol But that's because I last finished uni nearly 20 years ago, and I never imagined myself as a mature-age student. I'm not 'mature-aged' am I?? I think maybe I am... and that's a scary thought in itself.

But, that's my life. And I'm doing the best I can. Here's hoping I can hold it all together until Christmas and then get a routine in place so that things don't get too messed up during transition.

Oh, and if anyone can broker a peace treaty between my two warring sibling factions, that'd be awesome. I'm contemplating a remote sheep station with no internet, a roll of wire and a loooooooooooong fence to build :p