A sense of renewal

Over the last 12 months, I've pretty much been in a holding pattern.

Dynamics are changing, bringing added stress. I now have a hormonal teenager, an overly-active tweenager and right at this moment, the husband is on the pointy end of his Masters - less than a month to go before it's all done.

I've spent this last year learning everything I can about self-acceptance, forming a healthy mentality and just learning how to 'be'.

Am I completely there yet? No. I don't think anyone can ever be.

But I'm content.

To the point where I'm ready to start training properly again.

I've still been lifting, but in all  honesty, it was only to maintain my minimum 3x week habit. I haven't really been pushing myself, more like going through the motions so that I can maintain some resemblance of normal as I sort through the crap in my head and the stuff happening around me.

But now I'm ready.

I took some time to research what I wanted to do and have decided on Strong - the latest program from the authors of New Rules of Lifting.

It lists the exercises for me, so I don't have to think, and there's no chance for me to 'take it easy' or avoid particular movements, which I may have a habit of doing when I'm writing my own program ;) And I'm excited to do lots of new things, old things, and just have some fun lifting again.

And my mindset has shifted. I knew I'd put on weight since January. I'd banished the scale to the garage, but yesterday, I stood on it. I wanted the data point.

Yes, I've gained weight. I knew that. My clothes are tight. It was a little more weight than I was expecting because I still fit in my clothes, even if they are snug. And the last time I was this weight, I was a whole size bigger.

There was no emotion in it. It's just a data point. I'd heard my friends talk about this and didn't know if I would ever get there. But apparently I am. I have no 'goal weight', I just want to be a little more comfortable in my clothes. I know I've gained muscle, and I've gained some strength, so things will fit differently anyway. I'm just looking for comfort.

This is a weird place to be in. I know I'm healthy because all my test results are spot on perfect. I know I'm not overweight. I'm just uncomfortable. And I want to be comfortable.

I even took a few full-body pictures (in shorts & a sports bra, no less!!) and I felt... nothing. I didn't feel grossed out or depressed. I just though it is what it is.

They aren't 'before' pictures, they are 'now' pictures. I fully expect my body to change in a whole host of ways over the years. Because that's what bodies do - we are in a constant state of flux, and that's ok. It's normal.

But I feel calm. I feel blessed. I feel content and happy with my decision to move forward into more intense training.

I feel as equipped as I can currently be to provide adequate food for my energy needs and maintain my overall feeling of wellness.

This is simply a whole new phase of life for me. All of a sudden the clouds have parted and I'm like, this is all good. It's okay. Totally a sense of renewal of thought and emotion.

Which is pretty cool.