It's okay to say no.

As the start of my first term approaches, I'm busy going through some Prep units and orientating myself around the online study world. This means allocating time each day to work through some information, watch help videos and chat to other people doing the same thing.

Which is nothing compared to what I'll have to do when I actually start the coursework.

I'm starting slow, with just the one unit - so part-time for the first term so I can find my feet. But then it's full-time pretty much non-stop for the next 3+ years.

That is a fairly daunting prospect.

For those that know me, you'll know that my husband has just completely a dual Masters program. Yep, that's TWO Masters degrees achieved at the same time. So for the last 4 years he's been work + study non-stop. Which means the home duties, school duties, kid stuff, extra-curricular etc, has been all me except when he got rare downtime.

We don't have family help. I was trying to run a business, support my husband, and keep my kids on a fairly even keel without even hiring a cleaner. Of course I could do it all! I mean, that's what I was supposed to do, wasn't it? Anything less was failure. I even felt guilty when the kids went to my parent's place for a week during the school holidays sometimes. Why did I need a break? Surely I could work and have them at home full-time during the holidays?

I consoled myself with the fact that they were building a fantastic grandparent/grandchild relationship and got to spend time with their cousins and create lasting memories.

Well, last year I crashed. And burned. Completely out.

My business was doing really well, but with that came the extra work - paper work, emails, marketing etc on top of the actual physicality of the work (I made crochet hooks with handles for people with disabilities or who just liked pretty things - it was very labour intensive).

My mental and physical health suffered.

And so I decided to shut the business down and focus on getting better and preparing for study this year - something I've been planning for the last 2 years, I just had to wait for my husband to finish first.

The judgement started. The sly digs at why I couldn't 'handle it'.
"Oh, but your business was doing so well!"

When your health suffers, business becomes much less important. I had a family to consider and support.


So this year, when working out my schedule, I sat down and worked out all the things that were important to us. Family time, study time, movement time, extra curricular activities, homework help, so much to cram into a week.

And so I had to say "no" to some things. Some of which I'd been doing for years, but I just can't fit them in any more and remain sane.

And right now and henceforth, my sanity will always come first.


So when someone says "But I work x hours a week and I can still do it" after you had been putting time aside for them every week for 3 years, it freaking hurts.

There is no comparison between my life and someone else's. What I am capable of doing will be completely different to what someone else can fit into their life. And recognising that is the first step in being honest, real and truly gifting yourself a little bit of selfcare.

And realising that their comments say a hell of a lot about them and their perception of your relationship then it does about you.


The next point in my journey is learning to step further out of my comfort zone and pay for help around the house. Getting an actual cleaner. I'm not gonna lie, this one is going to be extremely hard for me. The kids have actually been doing really well with their chores, but there are things they just can't do on top of sporting commitments and homework. And if I am to be able to put aside an appropriate amount of time each week for me to reach my personal study goals, then something has to give.

My husband quite rightly pointed out that for me, "the bare minimum" would never be enough. I will want to tick every box, revise every point... and there's only so many hours in the day.


This weekend will mark my first test. We are leaving the kids with friends for 4 whole nights during a school term so that I can attend my husband's graduation in Melbourne. To say I'm stressed is a major understatement. My son has Coeliac Disease, and while I have great faith in my friends, and have preparations in place, it's still a source of anxiety for me. My mother would have been here in a flash to help (they live interstate), but she needs to work, so our friends stepped up and offered without even batting an eyelid. We owe them big time. Without them, I simply would not be attending the graduation ceremony.


So while I will be learning many new things academically this year, it will also be an extremely large learning curve when it comes to selfcare, balance and boundaries. It's okay to say no if something is going to cause you issues, or if it just can't fit in anymore. There will always be judgement, there will always be comparisons, because that's what happens when you're a mum. I wish it wasn't that way, but it is.

Just remember that if someone has an issue with you stepping back and saying "no", then that's not on you. It has nothing to do with you, it doesn't invalidate your needs.

It says a hell of a lot about them though, so maybe you made the right choice.

Going back to school

This is it. My first university subject in a *cough* very long time, starts in just over a month.

Last time I was young, naive, and fresh from high school with really no idea of where or what I wanted to do other than Criminology (yes, really), sounded extremely appealing.

Fast forward 20-odd years later and here I am. A completely new discipline (science), two kids, a husband, and a whole lot of water under the bridge, with more to come.

How the hell am I supposed to juggle studying to the level I want (thank you to my husband who pointed out that with my personality, "the bare basics" probably won't cut it ;) ), plus all the stuff that comes with two active children with intense personalities, continue with my household responsibilities (hello paying bills, cooking, washing, cleaning etc) and also support and spend time with my husband, and other important people in my life.

Let's just say it's a little overwhelming and slightly terrifying.

I don't like asking for help, I just sort of keep going until I fall down in a great big emotional mess ;)

But I'm going to have to.

I've started with really cracking down on chores for my kids. They are 13 & 9, completely old enough to have specific responsibilities and be expected to do the basics (like make their bed and keep their room tidy).

Next step is a cleaner I suppose. I'm thinking having someone come and mop the floors, clean the bathrooms and maybe a few other things once a week may be a good idea. It's also another incentive for the kids to pick their darn stuff up and put it away properly :p

I need to learn that I can't always 'do it all', and that's ok. This is a phase of life that needs to be passed through in order to come out the other end having achieved my goal which will only benefit myself and my family in the long term.

Focus on the process and not the end result. The whole concept of an entire degree is overwhelming, but I can break it down into Study Periods and go from there. One step at a time.

And get the help when I need it.